Spilling the “Infertility” Beans

Infertile.

A word that could be described as off-limits, or even taboo in a conversation. A word that for some hurts to say out loud, or even to type. A word that can change every plan that you had made for yourself and your future. A word that I never thought I would have to use when talking about myself.

I guess I always knew that something wasn’t right. Back when I was in my late teens and early 20’s I had a lot of abnormalities in the ol’ “reproductive” department. For example, Aunt Flow would be invited over every month, and sometimes she just wouldn’t show up. Like, I’m talking for a year at a time (SO rude Aunt F, where are your manners??). Aside from said impolite extended family, I always just had a feeling that something was off. After several Doctor appointments and copious amounts of tests, I was finally and (unfortunately) diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Disease (PCOS). At that time it didn’t mean much to me. SWEET, no periods. I was young, I was single. I wasn’t looking for a hubby, and I sure as heck wasn’t trying for a baby. BUT, Fast forward five years or so and those feelings completely shifted.

So I guess this is where the “bean spilling” comes in. Aside from a very select few, not many people know the struggles that have already happened, and the many that are left to come. In 2012 I met Mike. Mike changed my whole life. He taught me how to love and trust again. That there are people in the world worth sharing your life with. That I am too hard on myself and I’m beautiful, even in the morning when it looks like my hair was styled by a troll. He has shown me what its like to be unconditionally loved and supported. And so one day in 2014 we discussed my health issues, knowing that it could take some time to get pregnant. I met with my Doctor and we got the OK to start trying.

6 months went by, and I got nothing but negative pregnancy tests.

another 6 months go by, with hundreds of negative ovulation and pregnancy tests.

Infertility is defined as a couple trying to become pregnant for one year without success. And just like that I was diagnosed with infertility. I feel like when we are younger we all think that having a family is a given. We all get to have one, it’s the circle of life. Well the heart breaking reality kicked in full effect that day. We tried for another year, with 7 failed rounds of Clomid and Femera (Both Ovulation inducing medications). I decided after the second year it was time for a break. It was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I felt like a failure. I became depressed and negativity consumed me. Mike, on the other hand, never complained. He has never made me even ONE time feel badly about this dream we created that may never come true. He has been nothing but UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT.

Our wedding is planned for June 30th, of 2018. After this wonderful celebration we Β plan to try for our baby again, and we will succeed. We WILL make a family, one way or another.

SO. I am here writing today, in hopes of women, men, families, who are going through similar situations to travel this journey with me. So we can provide mutual support, and a virtual shoulder to lean on. So we can know that we are not alone, and that Infertility is something that needs to be discussed and understood.

Cyster Love,

Heather

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Hello! My name is Heather, and I am a 30 something year old looking to share my experiences through PCOS, Infertility, and my journey to Self Love.

44 thoughts on “Spilling the “Infertility” Beans

  1. I Love You Heather…..positive vibes only! You will make a wonderful mother no matter how it happens for you. Love; Mom

    1. Thank you Aimee! I really appreciate all the support I am getting! Would you mind following my blog? the more follows, the better! There is a place on the main page to add your email, if you dont mind! πŸ™‚ <3

  2. Heather, thank you for sharing such a powerful post that delves into some serious subject matter, but without losing a sense of humour and optimism. I look forward to following your blog and reading your future posts!

    1. Thank you! It definitely feels nerve wracking every time I hit β€œpublish” but I think it’s great to let others going through the same thing know they’re not alone! Thanks for the support!

  3. It does need to be talked about more. Thanks for sharing. You’re not alone and it’s great that you’re letting others know they’re not alone either. I hope I can give you some encouragement by saying that I struggled with infertility for 6 years and several miscarriages before our daughter came along. I remember the awful monthly roller coaster and Clomid making me feel crazier than I already did. Hang in there and keep believing. God bless.

    1. Thank you for your kind words and support! I am so happy that you ended up getting your miracle baby after so much pain and stress! I can’t imagine what it’s like to have miscarriages and I hope I never experience that heart ache! Thank you for sharing your experiences πŸ’™

  4. I guess it sucks because there’s nothing (or is there?) you can do about it… but that also might be the ‘good’ thing about it. You can’t change it so you have to move forward and find alternatives, etc. It mostly sucks I guess. But thanks for sharing so honestly.

      1. There’s really no point in me saying that I’m sorry this is the case. But I am. But there’s always a way around everything πŸ™‚ You’ll find it!

      2. I appreciate your sympathy! The outpouring of support and kind words since I began sharing my journey is what keeps me going! Thank you πŸ™‚

  5. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I truly hope and pray you get your miracle. It is really not easy, and like you said we all think that when we are younger we get to have a family, its an assumed “given”… but things dont always work out that way. All the best for the wedding and for the future <3

    1. Thank you so much! I try to keep hopeful, it’s what gets me through most days! There is a great, supportive community out here that makes it a lot easier too! πŸ’™

  6. What’s your advice on explaining infertility without invoking pity, more so when talking in person? Or, how to respond to that pity? This is a hard thing to talk about and I’m glad to see a blog like yours doing just that.

    1. I think it’s hard to not invoke pity, for the pure fact that it is such a tragic (and taboo) topic. I’ve found for myself, that educating while explaining what I’m going through seems to help. Yes, what we’re enduring is hard, BUT there are so many options to keep us optimistic. IVF, medication, surgeries, etc. I’ve learned through this experience that not many people know about infertility, just as I didn’t before experiencing it. I also try to explain right from the beginning, that although I appreciate empathy, I don’t ever want to feel like I am different from any other couple, and that is exactly what “pity” would generate.

    1. Thank you for your support! I think it is so important for us to educate others. There is no reason for this topic to be taboo! I look forward to following your journey!

  7. Thank YOU for sharing YOUR story! Since miscarriage/infertility are so taboo, I have decided to break my own silence. Having gone through 5 miscarriages and years of infertility myself. Newly established blogger and YouTube vlogger, I am inviting you to follow me to help us spread our stories to other hurting women and families. Would you consider following me?

    1. Absolutely! We all need to work together to spread awareness! I am so happy you have decided to share your story. I think you will find writing very therapeutic! I wish you all the best on your journey!

      1. It has been sooooo therapeutic so far already! Thanks for supporting me! I am sooo new to all of this stuff. But silence is not a good place anymore. Gotta speak! πŸ™‚

  8. Thank you for sharing your story. Congrats on your wedding!!! I remember wedding planning! I loved it lol I will keep you in my prayers! As a person who has PCOS as well I know some of that struggle. I look forward to hearing more on your journey!!

    1. Thank you so much! Wedding planning is a BLAST! I’m going to miss having crafts to do when it’s done! lol Thank you for your kind words! PCOS sucks! lol

  9. This post made me stop, sit down properly and read to the last full stop. Life has many twists and turns, I will check in to see how yours goes from time to time. Enjoy your wedding, to find live is an incredible thing. The rest will come.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It has certainly been a journey, but it will be worth every tear, penny, and struggle. I appreciate you taking time to read! πŸ™‚

  10. Hi Heather! I am looking forward to reading further on your blog! I am new blogger myself and was diagnosed with PCOS about 2 years ago now. We have been trying for a baby for 13 months now. So I understand some of the heartache that comes with this diagnosis. We are traveling a journey of using natural remedies and lifestyle changes in how we eat and live. If your interested in reading our journey as well I’d love to have you follow my blog Sparrow & Lilies! I hope your wedding planning is going well!

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