….Because you’ll always find something to hate.
So something happened this weekend. It was kind of a life changing moment. For some, it may seem minuscule, but it almost felt like a breakthrough for me.
I’ve been writing a lot lately about my struggle with self-love. I’m a bully to myself constantly and it’s both exhausting and unhealthy. It’s my biggest and most important goal this year, to work on how I see myself and to improve my self-esteem.
Firstly, most of you know I have finally received my wedding dress. I brought it to my parents house on Friday to have my mom help me try it on and lace up the corset back. She of course wanted to take pictures, and I asked her to take a few on my phone so I could have some for myself as well. She snapped the pictures for me, and I put my phone away without looking. I honestly just wasn’t ready to face the disappointment of hating the way I looked in the dress I was going to marry Mike in. Later that night I pulled out my phone and slowly opened the pictures. I clicked on them, and to my surprise, I wasn’t disgusted. All the negative thoughts about it seemed to disappear. The rolls I thought I would see on my back, the flabby arms that would for sure be showing in my sleeveless dress, and the stomach that would definitely be bulging all seemed to be missing. I didn’t look horrible, I actually looked okay! (I am not going to share those pictures because I want my dress to be a surprise!!)
To add to all of that, this past weekend was my birthday. We decided to celebrate at Kobe. If you don’t know what that is, it’s this absolutely delicious restaurant where they do hibachi (cook the food right in front of you on a large grill). Unfortunately, one of the circumstances that comes along with this dinner, is the birthday girl has to stand on a chair while holding an umbrella. They then sing what I’m assuming is a Chinese version of “happy birthday” while playing drums. I knew this was coming, so I thought it was a good idea to “loosen up” with two scorpion bowls…straight down the hatch. Throughout the night (and during my chair top dance) I saw everyone’s phones out and knew I would wake up to an abundance of pictures and videos. We all love being tagged in a good candid photos, right?
The next day while laying in bed, and in between frequent stops to bathroom from self-inflicted sickness, I got a steady flow of “happy birthdays” with pictures attached. To my surprise, I didn’t hate any of them. There was not one feeling of disgust, disappointment, or fear that these pictures would make their way to the internet. I was content. I saw my hard work and progress and I actually felt really proud of myself. I looked like any normal person, not Jabba the Hutt like I continuously picture myself as. This feeling of not hating myself is something new, and I intend to work as hard as I can at keeping it this way. It’s almost freeing, to feel good about yourself.
***Thank you to my family for making my 31st birthday wonderful!***
So I guess the point of this blog is this. Why do we spend so much time hating ourselves? I can put myself down daily because I am carrying a few extra pounds, or I can get over it and love myself the way that I am. Because if I don’t, I will always find SOMETHING to dislike. If I lose weight, and have loose skin and stretch marks, am I going to still be unhappy with myself? Yes, if that’s how I choose to look at things. Or I can love myself the way I am. Every bump, lump, and stretch mark. Maybe it finally clicked that there is more to life than how I look in a pair of jeans. Or maybe telling myself I am enough, just the way I am, is starting to kick in. Either way, that’s the route I am going to continue walking down.
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