I’ve mentioned in several of my previous blogs that I am currently on a break from TTC (trying to conceive).
I [so very badly] needed this break to restore both my physical and mental health, and also to relieve some of the stress it was creating in me and Mikes relationship. I am a firm believer in taking this break, and I preach it to ANYONE who asks me for advice. It’s crucial to hit that “pause” and “refresh” button during this painful time. It will be nearly 2 years since I called it temporary quits once we decide to start trying again. The thought of coming off the pill is creating a whole new pool of emotions.
I have 2018 pretty much mapped out. This year will forever be one of the most exciting years in my life; Get a new job, get married, go to Montreal, wait a couple of months and go to Mexico, come off the pill and start TTC, get pregnant. That’s the order these events are planned to go in, and they’re all supposed to happen. So here I am, 3 weeks from my wedding, and 5 months away from coming off the pill. Which one should I be stressed about? Which one do you think I am stressed about?
If you guessed trying to get pregnant, you’re right.
I’ve been holding on to this hope for the last couple of years. I have these excuses and explanations in my mind of why we couldn’t get pregnant last time, but we surely will this time around. Maybe two years ago we weren’t really ready. Maybe I was just far too over weight and it would have been dangerous for me and our baby. Maybe the timing was off last time, or I wasn’t taking the right supplements. Maybe it was a combination of all of those things, and I am going to do it right this time around.
But what if I am wrong? What if I stop my birth control, take all the right supplements, continue to live a healthy life, and still nothing happens? What if I don’t have a second chance, and it didn’t matter if I “paused” and “refreshed” because it’s not meant to be. The thought that I will be in the same place I was two years ago, defeated and heart-broken, makes me almost too terrified to put myself through it a second time. It’s too hard to face the reality that IVF or adoption might actually be in my future. I can hope and wish that we won’t have to work that hard at it, or become thousands of dollars in debt, but what if we do?
I am just so scared.
It’s just about time to start thinking about all of these things again. The last 6 months or so I have really put my infertility on the back burner. I have been focused on planning our wedding, and how awesome it is that I finally get to marry my best friend. I’m going to try my best to stay positive once it’s time to start TTC again, while also fully allowing myself to feel like this crap is HARD. I am not about to give up on this dream of starting a family because I am scared. Just knowing how much my 100% supportive other half wants this is enough to keep me going.
What have my fellow infertility warriors done to get through the stress of starting your journey again?
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