I think one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made and continue to make, is that I am always giving myself a dead line.
- “Lose [this amount of] weight by this event!”
- “You just have to get down three more lbs by this date!”
- “Lose just a little more so you can wear that new bathing suit on your honeymoon!”
I’m SO sick of it. And all I’m doing is setting myself up for failure.
I’m finding that setting a deadline forces me into this terrible never ending cycle. I give it 110% percent for several weeks, and become so exhausted by putting all of my thoughts and energy into losing weight, that I eventually completely fall off the wagon and gain all my hard earned loss back. I cannot tell you how many times now that I have hit a new low-weight, and as soon as I see that number on the scale, I fall right back into my bad habits. It’s like I am reaching that mini goal/deadline, and then my brain thinks I can be done with the effort. Having an unhealthy relationship with food is getting really damn old.
I’m starting to wonder though, when I am hell bent on meeting these deadlines…
Maybe I’m just pushing myself too hard.
Maybe 110% effort is too much.
Maybe I should settle for 85% and allow myself to be a goddamn human being the other 15% that’s allowed to eat a cupcake or some chips simply because I want to.
Maybe I need to love myself exactly how I am, not work towards a bikini body because I already have one. It may not look like yours, or the ones you see on television, but it’s what mine looks like and that’s okay.
- My relationship with the scale is horrible. I’ve mentioned before that I am obsessed. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself I am going to stay off of it, I don’t. I can put it away and hide it up on a top shelf somewhere, and all that means is the process of weighing myself takes a little longer. If I throw that damn scale away, I will never know if I reached my deadline. That could be my solution. We all know the our weight only tells us a small portion of our progress, so why do we even bother??
- My relationship with food is worse.. I’m constantly battling the urge to over eat and honestly lately the urge has won every single time. While most Brides are busting their behinds to look fabulous in their dresses, I am eating everything in site because for some reason I think that helps the stress. The relief that food brings me is only very temporary, and I ultimately feel worse than I did to begin with. So why can’t I stop?
Well, I can. It just isn’t easy.
This battle with food is never going to go away. I will forever suffer with binging episodes. All I can tell myself is it will get easier over time. Some days not as much so as others. Some days I will slip up and pig out. I have to accept that it’s okay.
I may never be within my healthy BMI again. But as long as at the end of the day I know I tried my hardest, and am making every effort to be the healthiest me, then I can be at peace with where I am in my journey.
I still feel as though I have made huge strides with my self-love. I don’t judge myself nearly as much as I used to, and I have kind of come to accept I am who I am. Mike, my family, and my friends have loved me all along just the way that I am. Do you Brides that are beating yourself up really think that they will love you less on your wedding day because you didn’t lose that extra 10 pounds? If you do, you need new friends, family, and a new Fiancé.
I will continue to work towards being a healthier, happier me. I will no longer allow food or the scale to run my life. I will judge my progress by the way I feel, and the way my clothes fit. I do plan to continue taking progress pictures; It makes me so happy to see my hard work and dedication is paying off. And I need to stop feeling guilty when I indulge. Guilt just further proves that the way I think about food is not okay. I also need to remember that indulging does not mean binging. Have one scoop of ice cream, not a whole tub.
I just need to find my healthy balance. Maybe 85%/15% is it.
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