My Dearest Husband,
As we again begin this journey of creating a family, I feel it is essential for me to share the gratitude I have for your never ending support. This was not a simple journey to travel on our first try, and I am not certain it will be easier the second time around. But one thing I am sure of, is that there is no other being that could give me the strength to pursue it. And for that, I love you.
I know this is as difficult on you as it is on myself. There was a time when your lack of vocalizing concern bothered me. I often wondered if I was the only one encountering pain and worry. I now realize you feel it as much as I do, but handle it in a different way; You choose to not discuss it in fear of causing me more pain, another example of your selflessness. Your heart is so pure that you are willing to exchange your plans of being a biological father, for spending your life with me. I’m sorry if I sometimes don’t seem as grateful for this as I really am. I’m learning every day how to deal with the guilt of potentially taking your dream away.
I thank you for never feeding into that guilt. I continue to fear that you will one day resent me, even though you repeatedly assure me there’s no reason to worry. You have never once made me feel like this is my fault. Never once have you blamed me or complained. Your openness to other options such as Adoption and Foster Care will never cease to amaze me. When I tearfully told you I needed a break from trying, scared of how you might respond, you whole-heartily told me it was alright, because you were ready when I was ready. This “one-day-at-a-time” temperament is what gets me through. It is so clearly evident that my happiness and health is your main concern, and everything else will fall into place in due time. And for that, I love you.
Thank you, for graciously dealing with my emotional battery during our first journey. Between prescription induced hormones, obsessive ovulation testing, and our life being on a fertility ruled schedule, I can only imagine the weight you felt to hold our relationship together. I know I was difficult to deal with; I was taking my frustration and hurt out on you. I was so wrapped up in my own suffering and heartache that I ignored any signs of how you felt. I often withdrew and refused any pass of compassion or intimacy, leaving you to wonder what I was thinking or feeling. I am truly sorry for any unnecessary pain or feelings of loneliness I caused you, and I promise to work more as a team this time.
Having the opportunity to make you my husband is the milestone I am most proud of. Without you, I can’t imagine where I would be in this life. During my darkest times you were nurturing and understanding. You remained hopeful and positive, even if I couldn’t. And in six and a half years, you’ve never forgotten to tell me I am beautiful, even on the days I have a hard time believing it. And for that, I love you.
So my dearest husband, as we embark on this journey to parenthood once again, I ask you to please be patient with me. I will use everything I have learned to guarantee that this will not be a repetition of our past, and will put every effort into being as strong as you are. I will remain conscious of the reality that you, too, are dealing with this struggle at hand. I will remind myself that you, as my best friend and my strength, will be by my side through this entire journey. No matter the outcome.
Thank you, for loving me so unconditionally, and without question. For being my other half, my better half.
Always and forever,