In my Absence | Infertility

Hello all of my wonderful followers.

Some of you may have noticed I haven’t been around in a while (then again, maybe you haven’t). I think it’s been due to a feeling of self defeat and discouragement. Or maybe it was finding out that if I downgrade my blog account (like I had been planning) every single ounce of work I’ve put into it is going to be deleted. Yeah, that’s it.

So what have I been up to for the last 5 months, you ask?

THE GOOD

  • I got married! It was SUCH a beautiful day. All brides are told that you can’t count on everything going to plan; something WILL go wrong. But I can’t think of one single thing that didn’t go perfectly. We had sunshine all day (it was almost 100*, though!), the food was amazing, the ceremony was beautiful, and the dancing was a blast. The amount of help we received from my parents, Aunts, sister and brother-in-law, cousins, groomsmen, friends of family, and on and on, was truly humbling. We felt so very loved from every direction and we couldn’t have asked for a better day.
  • We went to Canada! A few days after the wedding we went to Montreal, Canada for a 3 day get-away. It was nice to unwind a little bit as husband and wife… And to eat about 20lbs of Poutine. If you don’t know what that heavenly concoction is, look it up and try it. ASAP. Really this mini vacation was all about soaking in all the wonderful fun that had happened over the last week.
  • It’s almost time for the real honeymoon! Next month me and Mike are Mexico bound!! It will be SO nice to go on vacation. One where we can really relax, have a week of fun, and just really enjoy each others company. With all the stress of trying to conceive, this is something that is definitely needed. We CANNOT WAIT to soak up the sun, adventure, and have a few (or more) celebration margaritas.
  • I’m finally comfortable in my job. It took a couple of months to really feel at ease, but everything has finally fallen into place. The best part is that I enjoy it. I love being busy to the point of not looking at the clock all day, and most days that’s exactly how it is!
  • I feel GOOD. Well, kind of. The first month off of birth control was brutal. I was emotional, sore all over, headaches, you name it. But it’s been 4 months now and I feel, good. More in control of my emotions. More like myself.

  • Acupuncture is COVERED under my insurance! I spoke to a wonderful Doctor that does acupuncture specifically for women with reproductive problems. She makes a custom plan for each patient, and does the best acupuncture suited for you. Once my deductible is reached it will be about 9 dollars a session. YES. I plan to start in December or January!

THE BAD

  • Welp. My hopes that I would get insanely lucky and get pregnant right off of birth control have been violently stomped on. crushed. demolished. Not a chance. One month unmedicated was a bust, no big surprise. Month two, 50 mg of Clomid, my results were a joke (progesterone levels on cycle day 21 should be 12 or higher, mine was 1.0). Month three, 100 mg of Clomid, still in the works. I go for blood work next Tuesday to find out if my body took the medication. 2 years ago I had no success with Clomid even at 150 mg, maybe this time will be different?

  • The terrible feelings and emotions related to Infertility all come back at the speed of sound, no matter how long of a stress free break you take. It basically picks up right where it left off. I’m trying my darnedest to not obsess like I did last time with the constant urine testing, googling symptoms, and letting my jealousy of crappy people getting pregnant with no effort get to me, but IT’S HARD. At the end of the break, all you realize is you’re one year older, and still no closer to being a mother.
  • Boston IVF. I finally took the leap. I am scheduled for my consult the second week of November, and then will hopefully start the process after returning from our honeymoon. I feel both anxious and terrified to find out what’s going on with me. Maybe it will be good! Maybe it’s something simple like my progesterone being low. Or maybe it will be terrible, and I find out my eggs are bad, or gone… Positive.. I must stay positive. Answers are GOOD.

THE UGLY

  • The fat, OMG the faaaaatt. Totally 100% fell off the bandwagon. I have successfully gained back half of what I lost… Yes, 20 lbs in 4 months. Do I get an award for fastest weight gain? anything? anyone? Beuller? Didn’t think so. I think it’s due to this horrible combination of being a lazy ass, tired of watching everything I eat, coming off birth control and Spironalactone, and taking fertility meds. All bad. All still excuses. UGH. I started a new program through my [new] government insurance 😀 Free for anyone covered. They have weekly live one on one coaching, meal plans, exercise plans, AND they send you this HUGE box filled with goodies all FOR FREE. The kit includes a really sleek scale, a blender similar to the magic bullet, recipe book, 6-disc work out program, a serving size plate, a food scale, measuring cups… it goes on and on! Motivation for sure!!
  • My PCOS is SO bad! My biggest concern these days would have to be the hair loss. I can see SO much scalp while fixing my hair in the morning that it takes everything in my power to NOT start crying. It is so hard to have no control over your own body!

Basically I’ve been keeping mostly to myself the last few months, trying to work things out. I’m so happy I have such a supportive family and husband (I still get giddy when I say that) to help me through these times.

” Courage doesn’t always Roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, I’ll try again tomorrow.” – Mary Anne Radmacher

Cyster Love,

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Hello! My name is Heather, and I am a 30 something year old looking to share my experiences through PCOS, Infertility, and my journey to Self Love.

2 thoughts on “In my Absence | Infertility

  1. Congrats on the wedding! I agree with everything -especially about the stress of TTC comes back full force no matter how long the break has been. Le sigh. This struggle is so hard. Much peace and love to you!

    1. Thank you so very much for your kind words! It is a journey, that’s for sure. But one that is only given to the strongest, I suppose! Sending all the positive vibes your way! 🙂

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